So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
