So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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