this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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