I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
