I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
