How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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