dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
