Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
