WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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