What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
