new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
