What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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