Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
