I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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