Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
