Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i wish my penis had a tongue
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
