i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
