we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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