I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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