"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Too much gin, very little bucket
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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