I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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