No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
