I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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