I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
