pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
