Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
