I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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