u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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