you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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