I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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