Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
