craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
