i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
