Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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