I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
