i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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