genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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