That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
