yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
