Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
