i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
