So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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