i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
