So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
