Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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