Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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