Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
