you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
