I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
