I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Randomize
